I knocked on the door but no one answered. A lone black container took vigil on the porch. I knocked again. Silence. The door stayed closed. I know it won’t open, but yet I am not ready to say goodbye. My car keys slip out of my hand. The jingle of the metal landing on the porch took me to a time when I had the right keys to enter. Not anymore.

I drove to my childhood home in September of this year. As I walked to the driveway, I saw the familiar mailbox where I remember racing barefooted to see what unexpected surprises might be waiting in the envelopes. The creme and black bricks stared back at me and in a brief flash, I saw my young self studying late into the nights on our kitchen dining table, the boom-box in my room on my scratched dresser, and how when my parents and my sister slept, I drew smiley faces on the bottom of their feet.

But now, another family seeks refuge  in my childhood home. And the enormity of that thought hit me several times this past year. I know this. Life is filled with a continuum of goodbyes.  And as we do so, we are all standing vigil on our metaphorical porches. But are we really the enjoying the sway of the rocking chair? Are we drinking our tea slow? Do we hear the laughter of our children as we watch them grow? Do we breathe in the smell of the fresh grass or the budding roses?

This is what I’ve been asking myself: Do we really know and feel what we are living as we pass through each day?  I’ve whispered and yelled the mantra, Be here now. And only in the last year, did I really understand the true meaning of this phrase. It doesn’t mean I am always living in the present, but accepting the fact that controlling uncertainity is an allusion.

Being here now for me means really embracing what happens before my continuum of goodbyes.

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Happy New Year to you and yours. My hope for all of you is to really be mindful of the present. Thanks so much reading and commenting and traveling with me. All of you give me the courage everyday to face the page and fill it with my truth and for that I am forever grateful.

xoxo Rudri 

Image by woodleywonderworks

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